It has been a while since the Federal government sent me a check for doing nothing. So I was tickled, if not “stimulated,” by the recent check I received in the mail. Getting the “stimulus check” was like an early preview of what it will be like to someday collect social security, and oddly enough, in approximately the same amount that I’ve been told to expect … if I live to age 62 and if the older Baby Boomers haven’t already drained the coffers dry.

I have to admit it is fun to get a colorful Department of the Treasury check. It makes me feel like we’re part of the solution. It has had some positive effect on the economy, although probably not enough. It’s more of an interesting little bonus, like getting a small raise in my allowance. “Here’s a few hundred bucks, go have a good time,” says the Prez. It feels like being handed $5 at age 12 and told to go have fun at the County Fair. Oh, the thrilling possibilities of free money. What sort of goodies might I buy?

Sadly, the feeling doesn’t last, because it doesn’t take long for me to remember that even the maximum check of $1200 is really chump change these days. Sure, I can buy a few trinkets at Best Buy. I can snag the new digital 12-volt TV that we’ll need come February 2009 if we want to watch over-the-air TV ever again, with enough left over for a Blu-Ray DVD player. But in reality there are more pressing things. I can get the new set of tires that the Armada wants. I can buy enough gas to get my Airstream from here to Denver. I can pay for five weeks of health care for my family. Oh boy. Suddenly I’m feeling less stimulated and more aware of just how expensive life is. Talk about a mood-killer.

I’m surprised that the vaguely suggestive term “stimulus check” hasn’t launched 1,001 cheezy stand-up jokes yet. It sounds like we all need to dress in something sexy to get the economy going again and this is the money to go to Victoria’s Secret at the mall. Actually, that wouldn’t be such a bad idea. The economy might not go anywhere, but the love life of millions of Americans could be briefly invigorated.

Is that the true reason behind this? Perhaps each check is dosed with pheromones, designed to spur our instinct to reproduce, and thus cause a massive new Baby Boom. These second-wave Boomers could, in thirty years, broaden the economic base of this country and thus save Social Security from failure. Think of it: short term stimulation (um, I mean “stimulus”) and long-term economic salvation, all from a few million scented pieces of paper. There may be something to this theory. I have to admit that when I opened the envelope and waved around the check, Eleanor was suddenly a lot more interested in me.

Honestly, I’m not at all convinced that this gimmick will do much for our current economic situation. Basically the Feds are giving us all a single pill of “virtual Viagra” and hoping we’ll take it from there. What if we want more economic thrills? Sorry, the prescription plan only covers one dose. We’ll have to make it a good one.

What the plan should do nicely is stimulate the economy of the oil-producing nations and oil speculators. After all, now we can afford gas. Sure, blowing it all at gas stations along I-70 in Kansas is not as intriguing as a lingerie spending binge. But we can stop at Victoria’s Secret on the way.